The one thing no one can over dramatize. . .

Admittedly, I am a present purchasing procrastinator. <--- yes, that alliteration just happened. I need to get a t-shirt or a poster made with this exact phrase. Post- Thanksgiving Break, life has been full speed ahead in preparation for the Christmas season which puts me quite a few steps behind seeing as how I have zero Christmas shopping done.  Oh well.  There is still time right? 

 In other, non-holiday related news my lovely, sweet, germa-phobic roommate has contracted a nasty case of Mono which in a weird way has made it easier for us to spend time together.  Yesterday was Sunday and since she was sick and I was exhausted from a 1am iHop run we slept in and talked to each other from our beds on opposite sides of the room.  It was nice to have a break and enjoy the quiet before this crazy week of finals started. 

Other than that I have enjoyed several restaurant outings with my girls, a couple slightly intense basketball games, a concert and one awesome bro\sis Christmas party for my dorm unit. 

That's enough about the rather meaningless activities of life (not that mono is meaningless but you know what I mean). 

Since coming back for the last 3 weeks of the semester there was a spot I hit where I really battled with my flesh and with the Enemy. Honestly, it was so hard to admit that I was getting a little bit soft when it came to my commitment, schoolwork and my relationship with God as a whole.  I want to be on fire all the time but sometimes myself just gets in the way. Finally I just reached a point where I realized what I was doing and that my heart really needed adjustment.  Self-correction is hard. . .  Sometimes I think that it is just too much for us when we are consumed with ourself.  God is so big that there should be no room for ourselves. I feel like there are a lot of moments in my life when I magnify and overdramatize all the wrong things instead of living in such a way that I am enlarging the reality of God. 

"Magnify the Lord Come, magnify the Lord. . ." These few word from the chorus of a worship song  made me question what it means to "magnify" God.  The word magnify means 

1. To make greater in size; enlarge. 2. To cause to appear greater or seem more important than is in fact the case; exaggerate 3. To increase the apparent size of, especially by means of a lens. 4. To glorify or praise.

It is kinda interesting because I never thought about what it means to glorify or magnify God.  It means that just like a magnifying glass, my life is the lens that the world looks through to see how big and great God really is. I can't fit the fullness of God inside of me along with selfishness.  When I am filled with myself, I am diminishing the One who I have committed my life to Magnify. 

Phew. . . that is pretty powerful stuff. He is the one thing no one can overdramatize.  The glory of God is such that there is no way we can exaggerate Him. . .

John 3:30

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

³⁰ He must increase, but I must decrease.

Magnificent God, may my life be a lens that increases You and may nothing, not even my own self get cause You to be diminished. 

Good Gravy. . .

Good gravy it's already Thanksgiving in lovely OH-IO. . . I am so happy to be home and on break.  School was making me feel like a computer that hadn't been backed up for awhile. . . I think I probably could have taken a couple sleeping pills and slept away my entire weekend which may or may not have been a bad thing as I processed an entire semester worth of life. 

There is a lot of I have to be thankful for today.  With this commitment I have made this year, I am focusing on all the ways that I am thankful for where I am in life and especially singleness.  

This might be even harder for me this year as my younger sister will be getting engaged to her high school sweetheart over Christmas.  It's that funny time of life. . .almost feels like I am fording a river. Behind me is my childhood and ahead of me is the "adult life". The in between-time. Like I am not necessarily a kid anymore but I haven't really accomplished much that screams "look! I am all grown-up!"  I feel like I am stuck just floating around in the water, trying my darn-dest to not get swept away in the waters of change.  There are others that are starting to get to shore ahead of me or at least closer too it (marriage, jobs kids etc.) 

Then I realize something. . .  if I were to push onto to the other side of this "in-between" time, how much I would want to be back in the water.  I am learning to enjoy the rush of the current around me.  Change is becoming something I love more than I fear.  I like being here, in-between childhood and looking forward to all the life ahead has for me. 

I am thankful for being at this place in my life. It doesn't last long and when it is over there is no going back.  I am thankful for career-less, mate-less, living with my parents and being almost broke but happy freedom of college life. I am thankful for my old car and having dumb, childish conversations and then switching to serious heart to hearts with those I love. I am thankful that I can still pull off converse shoes and braided pig-tails.  

Learning to be content and thankful for where I am in life has taught me how thankful I am for the sake of others . Romans 12:15a says "Rejoice with those who rejoice. . ." I get to watch as my friends and now even my little sister are reaching the other side. Sometimes I get to help push them along. 

Bottom-line:  This Thanksgiving I am thankful for this awkward in-between time of my life.  I am choosing to be thankful for the success of others as they are making it to the other shore and rejoicing as they are ready to leave the water.  I am thankful that in all of God's wisdom He is showing me that swimming against change is pointless. If I stop trying to fight it, He will carry me along and eventually, even I will reach the shore. 

"Promise me that you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves, that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim." Tyler Knotts Gregson

Look hard.

I have exactly 7 minutes and 19 seconds until chapel starts. Today's challenge is to write something meaningful or at least somewhat encouraging in that space of time.

Honestly I haven't had too much on my mind or any astounding revelations from God recently. If it makes any sense at all, I am getting used to the challenge of this new lifestyle.

My greatest fear is getting too comfortable in my commitment and even though I know that I am not going to have a "mountain top" experience everyday of my life when it comes to my walk with God or even just in this next year, I don't want to miss ANYTHiNG He has for me.

I suppose I just need to look for Him in everyday moments...I just want all of God that I can get on this earth.

Maybe it's just about the desire. Maybe it's about the seeking itself.

Anyway, challenge coming to an end. I don't want to miss Him. Today I am going to look. Hard.

Puffer Fish Kind of Risky

My first box of 200 tissues is completely gone. . . mainly due to my previous illness earlier in the semester.  Now, less than a month later, cold symptoms are back with a nasty vengeance.  I accepted this reality with a disgusted groan. I then thrusted my foot locker from under my bed from which I extracted my second box of 200 count, 2 ply tissue.  

I probably deserve it though.  Probably punishment for my inconsistent updates. . ."BAD BLOGGER! BAD!" Honestly, I haven't quite known what I needed to put into words.  It takes some time to figure out exactly what God is trying to say sometimes and sometime even when I figure it out, it takes a while for it to full change the heart of the matter. 

I have made a dent in a few of my goals:

~ Played a video game last week in preparation for further conquest of my personally owned Greg Hasting's Xbox game which I acquired from a youth pastor who just wanted to get it off his hands.  Having friends with xboxes meant I was quite happy to oblige. . . goal #9 (in progress)

~ Lost some weight and learned how to free throw in basketball. This was intensely more energizing than running but I am going to have to get back on that high horse eventually. . . goal #2 (progressing as well) 

~ Developing my application for the psych program and solidify my career choice which I will have to share at a later date. . .goal #1 (coming close to completion, hopefully) 

. . .  well, this is a predicament isn't it?  I don't know if you have noticed, but I have. . . These goals are all great and stuff and I really do plan on following through with everyone of them as best as I can but. . . there is something I have noticed that troubles me. Nothing about any of these goals is putting me at risk.  No, no, no. . . I do not mean sky\cliff diving, bungee jumping, eating a poisonous puffer fish kind of risky.  

I mean out-of-your-comfort-zone, obsessed with Jesus kind of risky. 

One of my career advisors met with me for a chat and one thing that he pointed out about my personality was how much of a risk taker I am (NOT). . . for some reason this stuck with me.  Even over fall break while I was with my family and friends,  I realized how "safe" I can be about things sometime.

Life happens.  We get older and stuff happens.  The world gets more and more scary.  Taking risks internally (faith, relationships, planning) becomes less and less appealing.  

Francis Chan talks about this in his book "Crazy Love 

"We are consumed by safety. Obsessed with it actually. . .We have elevated safety to the neglect of what ever God's best is, whatever would bring God the most glory, or whatever would accomplish His purposes in our lives and in the world." 

He then goes on to ask one of the most impacting questions I have never thought to consider:

"Would you be willing to pray this prayer? 'God bring me closer to You. . . whatever it takes. . ." 

I am not sure how you felt just reading that.  But it is enough for me to have a "new #1" goal for me. . . I want to be a risk taker.  On the outside and more importantly the inside. Intentionally putting myself at risk for the sake of Christ.  Risks like loving my enemies, (not) making plans, giving up opportunities that are just shy of God's best. . . putting my heart in the world to be passionate for the people in it, knowing that it is not a matter of IF it will get broken but when and how often.

 I want to live a risky life. I might gain the whole world by doing the life the safe way, but I will never change the world without living at risk.  

What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? Matt. 16:26

"People who are obsessed with Jesus aren't consumed with their personal safety and comfort above all else.  Obsessed people care more about God's kingdom coming to this earth then their own lives being shielded from pain or distress." Chan "Crazy Love"

If taking risks is part of having a passionate, crazy, obsessed, consumed, love for my God. . . 

may I be a Risk Taker 

Mutual Thirst

Have you ever heard the sound that ice makes inside a Styrofoam cup? It is really sensational. If you are super imaginative (like me) you can close your eyes and visualize a warm spring day as the ice is  melting off the top of a river into little pieces. This may be taking the sound of a cup and making it a tad bit too theatrical but at least you have an entirely more interesting way of hearing ice chunks floating in a cup. 

But I digress. . .  

What I am referring to when I think of this sound is one of the great commodities that I appreciate about this collegiate institution. I would describe it as basically a 32 oz, monstrous, white silo.  Filling it with  soda or juice costs extra so most people don't typically care to invest in a giant, calorie infused, jug that is going to be a pain to carry around.  I, on the other hand, am especially found of these cups because I can fill them too the brim with a couple class sessions worth of life-giving ice water which costs no more than it's mundane 16oz. counterpart, as long as it is strictly water of course. . . 

In fact, I have one of these glorious silos sitting beside me as we speak although the H2O supply is significantly decreased since dinner time. . . but you know no matter how many times I fill up my obnoxious Styrofoam cup and no many how many times I down the full 32oz.,  I am eventually going to get thirsty again. . . it's natural. It is how God created our bodies.  The cycle of thirst.

 But, that is not in fact, how He created our souls. . . 

I believe that we all get trapped in cycles of thirst.  These "cycles" can be anything in life that control our motivations.  It is more often than not our relationships to others that keep us in the prison of a thirsty soul. You get the first "drink" of approval from someone who has rejected you and you feel refreshed again.  Maybe for a while we are satisfied until, like our bodies, we need another "drink" or something hurtful happens and not only are you thirsting after their attentions but you are almost panicked from emotional "dehydration"  when you are not receiving the comfort of their validation. This can happen with almost any relationship. Family, friends, lovers . . . 

They unwittingly capture us and we allow ourselves to be captured by them. . . and to be honest, if we really think about it, it is a selfish thing to live our lives according to the way we are treated by others. We are to be controlled by the Spirit so that we may experience life and peace (Romans 8:6) Some people we allow into our lives are so blind that it is almost unfair to blame them for the emotional turmoil we experience as a result of their actions. They just don't see things the same way.   Andy Mineo shared "No one gets offended when a blind person bumps into them. Neither should we be offended when we are hurt by those whose hearts are blind."  It is inherently selfish to think that we can TAKE emotional stock from other fallen human beings and USE it to fill ourselves up. 

Jesus reveals this beautiful in this story about the Samaritan woman at the well. (John 4:7-45)  One of the very first things He asks her is to give Him a drink.  Isn't that interesting? I don't think that He was just trying to start a conversation. Jesus "thirsts" after us. . .  Christ was asking this woman and is asking all of us to give Him the "water" of this world  in exchange for the kind of "living water" that will not only satisfy forever but will over-flow into a "well, springing up into eternal life" for the sake of others. Jesus starts with offering freedom and THEN fulfillment. We cannot have one without the other. 

Bottom line is this (and one of my favorite quotes): "the only one who can satisfy the human heart, is the One Who made it." 

I want a relationship of mutual thirst with God. . . even though it doesn't seem quite fair. He wants to free me from my cycles of thirst and whatever "water" I choose to satisfy them with so the I can come to Him, who has a drink that will do far more than quench. . . 

Evident

"I don't know what is so awfully important that it is occupying your thoughts. . .but if you saw God even for thirty-seconds, everything would change. . ."

The weather is changing here and the campus is starting to settle into it's routine after weeks of new student activities.  I walked and saw my breath in the air for the first time the other night and now the trees are starting to adopt their new autumn shades.  To my dismay, flip flop season is quickly fading and it is almost time for my feet to return their fabric cages of socks and shoes. 

Anyway. . . the incredible thing about fall is how excessively bright and beautiful it seems like everything gets during this transition into winter.  I can't even count how many times I have looked at the colorful trees up against the blue sky and silently sensed the very presence of God and even thanked Him for the beauty around me. . . 

Then I really began to think about it. Especially after I heard this sentence "I don't know what is so awfully important that it is occupying your thoughts. . .but if you saw God even for thirty-seconds, everything would change. . ."  I really had to think about this. I mean seriously,my goal (among other things) during this year long adventure has been to become "pure in heart" and change my life. And that passage ends by saying that the blessing of the pure in heart is to SEE God!

 What does it mean to really, legitimately see God? At least in my case, I look around at the world and see all this great evidence of God's creativity, imagination and humor. Like finger prints. He is evident.  it takes my breath away sometimes.  Sunsets, a new born baby, the ocean, clown fish, platypus, earth worms (you get the general idea)...all the great wonders. yada-yada-yada. . . that's all wonderful. . .

but. . .what if one day, I were to actually SEE God? Not just the evidence of Him but really see Him? in the flesh so to speak. . . If all this world, even in all its' imperfection can be so incredibly beautiful at times and change my mood, what would it do to my life if I got even just a glance at the face of the Creator of it all? 

I don't really know the answer. . . It is a thought I can't quite wrap my mind around.  There are a lot of questions I have about my whole life that I can't quite figure out but this thought, about the reality of who God is in person, has been especially on my mind.

Maybe the answer will just have to wait until my race has been run through, whenever that may be. But, I have decided the best way to get an answer is to go straight to the source. My prayer goes something like this: "God, show me how to live the fearful and transformed life of someone who has seen You face to face.  Let the world and all its' imperfect glory be enough to cause everything in my life to change as if I got a glance of You." 

Isaiah 6 

In the year of King Uzziah’s death I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, lofty and exalted, with the train of His robe filling the temple. ² Seraphim stood above Him, each having six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. ³ And one called out to another and said,

“Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord of hosts,
The ^[a]whole earth is full of His glory.”

⁴ And the ^[b]foundations of the thresholds trembled at the voice of him who called out, while the ^[c]temple was filling with smoke. ⁵ Then I said,

“Woe is me, for I am ruined!
Because I am a man of unclean lips,
And I live among a people of unclean lips;
For my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts.”

⁶ Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a burning coal in his hand, which he had taken from the altar with tongs. ⁷ He touched my mouth with it and said, “Behold, this has touched your lips; and your iniquity is taken away and your sin is ^[d]forgiven.”

"The God Who is, is WILD and BIG." 

It's the Multi-Tasking Illustration

It's like killing two birds with one stone. . .except it's two life lessons from one illustration. 

multi-tasking illustration! Maybe that sounds a little confusing but it will make sense in a moment. . . bear with me. 

I will return to this incredible Siamese illustration after I digress over life's happenings.


I made a slight dent in one of my goals this past weekend by pricing ukuleles online. . . needless to say I will have to get a cheap-y version or seriously budget myself if this is ever going to happen. 

Also, I have begun to face my fears and have a good attitude about Statistics of the Social Science. . . it's been 4 years since my last math course and this is a Junior level class.  My only issue at the moment is trying to complete this first assignment with an awful head cold.

This pounding, aching, pressurized plague has become the thorn in my side in the last twenty-four hours. This should be a fun 5 hour drive home and a wedding to be somewhat conscious for on Saturday morning. God forgive the evil germs. . . at least my post-wedding blog about the positives about singleness should be interesting.  

I suppose I should explain my proverbial "stone" 

Put your hands out in front of you. (trust me, it makes it more real) Make one into a tight fist and leave the other completely open. 

It's called the closed fist\open fist issue. 

Life lesson #1 
This first life lesson was shared with me over a hurried cup of coffee with a scattered brained and extremely wise young mother from my church.  She began to talk to me about the things we dream of in someone verses the things are really important.  She held her hands out and said that there are things like faith and character we should hold tightly to as standards that we don't sway on but there are other things that don't really matter.  We should leave those things for God to decide for us. . .sometimes there are things we receive in someone that we don't even know we need. 

This what I learned from her that day: Hold onto my dreams loosely but hang to hang onto my standards for dear life.  Often people do the very opposite and end up with less than what they excepted or worse. 

Life Lesson #2 
It was just last night that I heard this same illustration presented in a different light than this past summer. And, for the purposes of this "life experiment"  I am doing, it hit me a little deeper and made me think of every situation in a different way.  It was during a service when the speaker, Dr. Joann Lyon shared the illustration of the closed\open fists.  She shared the following: we can either go through life with a "closed fist" mentality, thinking that we can just tough it out and just "get through it" with situations that challenge us. This may protect us but it closes us off to the movement of God and growth.  Or, we can go through life with an "open fist" and tell our God that we look forward to what He is going to do with any situation.  If we look at things this way, we will have hope. . . we will have joy knowing that God will have freedom to create something beautiful with anything we go through. 

This is what I learned from lesson #2: I can look at this experiment and anything else for that matter and just try to solider on through it, living under the illusion that I can tough it out. On the other hand, I can live my whole life with an "open fist" . No matter what happens I can look forward to what God is going to do. Essentially, living a life of faith. Trusting with God and living with hope no matter how  discouraging, frustrating, negative, pointless, confusing an moment of my life may seem.

Living with an open fist to me, means living free. It means living in hope. . . 

Whether it's statistics class or indefinite singleness I want to live that way. . . with an open fist. . . 


Ta-da! you have now witness the great miracle of the multitasking illustration. . . applause? anyone? 

Clear Window

I accomplished a fairly adventurous task for myself in the last 24 hours.  Lodgeball. Basically the college tournament version of dorm vs. dorm dodgeball.

Now, I am not the most willing participant in any kind of overly active athletic sport so this was a stretch but surprisingly enough I enjoyed it, A LOT.  

I may even go so far as to say that I am considering joining some type of intramural sport. it was a rather empowering experience even though we lost. . . I honestly had no idea how competitive I can be. It was something for me to be proud of.  :) 

Enough about me and on to more important topics. . . 

It's only been 48 hours since I started this and there are moments that I have already felt defeated. There have been unexpected feelings that I have experiencing that make me angry at myself. . . I have realized how weak I am.  All I want it to jump onto the next thing that God has for me and see the end result of all of this.  

 someone told me that maybe instead of asking God to change the situations around me, that I should consider asking God to change my heart. 

Psalm 51:10 "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me!"

So I guess that is my prayer tonight.  For anyone out there reading this. I need God to create in me a pure clean heart that can see things the way He sees them. Kind of like how cleaning a glass window changes the view and shows the viewer a bigger picture. 

Then, I need steadfastness. If I am going to truly be 100% devoted to this cause I have committed myself too this year (and beyond), I am going to need the strength of an unwavering, firm foundation to stand on.

The circumstances of my life are always going to ebb and flow.  I can't even trust myself to stay in the same singleness of mind that I need to be confident and feel peace.  But, when I ask God to give me a clean heart through which to see and a new spirit on which to keep myself stayed, there is nothing that will be able to defeat God's work in me. 

So bring it on day three. 

Psalm 121

¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. 

In the words of the great Kelly Clarkson, "it doesn't mean I am lonely when I'm alone."

What part of being alone means we have to be lonely?

Especially when it comes to being single. . . 

In the past 3 years I have spent a total of 12 months in three very different relationships.  And often times I felt more lonely in the relationship than I did before it started. . .  

What is so bad about being single? Maybe, the better question should be, what is so great about being single? 

That's what I am here to find out. 

I am ready to commit myself to singleness. To make a mission out of NOT being in a relationship. Living "without hypocrisy" as one definition of singleness. Having one motive. . .to be single. 

So, I have portioned out the next 365 days of my life to be dedicated to being single. . . not just single according to my social networking relationship status or "unofficial" flirtatious relationships.  I mean cold turkey, unattached, no scheming, no dreaming, completely committed singleness. 

The great thing about this is that I know I am not going to do this without purpose. . . 

No, I am not some chaste, charismatic, "I am dating Jesus", relationship hater. 

I just want to follow through with something for once in my life. . . I want to know what I means to not just be good at having a relationship, but I want to know how to be good at NOT having a relationship. 

Even when these 365 day are over it's not like I am going to be hoping on ChristianMingle.com and messaging the first available preacher boy. When these 365 day are over, I want to look back and see how I intentionally practiced singleness (without hypocrisy) and be proud of whatever it is I have learned. 

It's not about trying my best not to be in a relationship. . . it's about trying my best at being single.

So, within the next year I have decided to set some goals:

1. Get into my Psychology program 
2. Finish getting completely healthy 
3. produce a covered song
4. learn (try to anyway) the ukulele 
5. have an epic Valentines Day 
6. go to a country music concert 
7. Have a meaningful summer 
8. Learn psalms 139
9. learn how to play my very own video game 
10. Road trip 
11. create something 
12. discover heavenly passion for everything

I am tired of feeling like being single means I am lacking something; For the next year, I am going to find out exactly how much I have to gain. . .