I got 99. . . days left. . .

99 days.  I can't believe it.  I put a count down app. on my phone just to keep track mostly for the purpose of motivating myself to complete my goals and so that I can take a moment every once and a while to check myself.  I hadn't looked at it in a really long time. 

At the moment, I have the overwhelming urge to be alone.  I am not really sure where this mood comes from every great once and a while (cause remember, this girl is a pretty extreme extrovert) but I know that sometimes I just need to step away from it all. 

Every time I get into my introverted mood, I think that it somehow disrupts some cosmic social balance. . . many times this restless, quiet, contemplative attitude occurs right at the same time that someone needs to talk or hang out or be hyper.  What makes it worse is that I often feel responsible for proverbially sucking the life out of another persons good vibes because, well, I just want to think. Right now, I would be absolutely content sitting on a beach, on a cloudy day by myself  staring out across the ocean. Alas, my view extends to the wall at the other end of my bed. . .

In this moment, I honestly feel less than exceptional.  Almost below average. . .

It's like I feel my heart missing God even though I know He is right here.  I could cry.  Because I know that my Jesus doesn't leave me.  He doesn't change.  So what is it in me that feels so far away? It's humbling to feel this weak. And to write about it. It is the only thing that feels right though.

2 Cor. 12: 9-10
^"9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

Can I exchange this?

Two days until my sister's bridal shower.  I can feel the growing excitement and tension in the house as my mom is cleaning everything in sight and stressing about the number of chocolate covered strawberries that she has to store. . .I feel like I probably should push my chair away from the kitchen table and contribute something to the cause but at this point I am taking this beautiful, sunshiny morning to relax as it will probably be my last opportunity to do so until the weekend is over. 

I really am genuinely planning on helping, don't worry.  It's not like I am completely useless.  But if you could see how golden yellow the Iris flowers are outside the window next to me as I sit here and if you could hear the sound of the birds talking back and forth, you would probably hesitate to move quickly too.  Plus, morning is my favorite time of day by far and it never seems to last long enough. 

I think the greatest thing about the morning is that normally, I wake up feeling a lot lighter than I do at the end of my day.  Some times, the weight of the day can get so heavy, that by the time it is dark outside, it feels hard to breathe.  What I wonder though, is how much of that exhaustion is me carrying the cross of Christ throughout my day because the world makes it hard? OR is that exhaustion from dragging around my own burdens?  

You see, I don't think that we were meant to carry both. . . 

I am not sure if this is making sense at this point, but hear me out.  Jesus talks about us laying our burdens down at His feet and finding rest.  He also talks about taking up our cross and following Him. I think that when we are consumed with our own burdens, even when they are legitimate, it makes it very difficult, if not impossible for us to carry the cross of Christ and be able to wholly deny ourselves.  

 

Luke 9:23

New International Version (NIV)

²³ Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.

  

Apart of denying ourselves is letting things go. . . letting things rest. 

Matthew 11:28-30

New International Version (NIV)

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

It is an exchange of sorts.  When I go about my day picking up little burdens, it makes it harder and harder to carry my cross and deny myself.  It just gets too heavy.  The cross starts to drag and some times I drop it completely.  On the other hand, when I realize that I can't carry both my burdens and my cross and I leave the burdens behind, I get a lot further ahead and accomplish much more for the kingdom.  I am not overwhelmed and weighed down. 

Maybe none of what I just said made sense. But for me, I really do think that if I did more denying of myself and carrying my cross and less gathering of little burdens, that I may find the end of the day to be less wearisome. 


Jesus,
 this morning (or what is left of it), I am going to take up my cross and follow You. Choosing self-denial over self-fulfillment.  As I go through my day, help me to choose to keep moving instead of stopping to pick up every little worry.