Evident

"I don't know what is so awfully important that it is occupying your thoughts. . .but if you saw God even for thirty-seconds, everything would change. . ."

The weather is changing here and the campus is starting to settle into it's routine after weeks of new student activities.  I walked and saw my breath in the air for the first time the other night and now the trees are starting to adopt their new autumn shades.  To my dismay, flip flop season is quickly fading and it is almost time for my feet to return their fabric cages of socks and shoes. 

Anyway. . . the incredible thing about fall is how excessively bright and beautiful it seems like everything gets during this transition into winter.  I can't even count how many times I have looked at the colorful trees up against the blue sky and silently sensed the very presence of God and even thanked Him for the beauty around me. . . 

Then I really began to think about it. Especially after I heard this sentence "I don't know what is so awfully important that it is occupying your thoughts. . .but if you saw God even for thirty-seconds, everything would change. . ."  I really had to think about this. I mean seriously,my goal (among other things) during this year long adventure has been to become "pure in heart" and change my life. And that passage ends by saying that the blessing of the pure in heart is to SEE God!

 What does it mean to really, legitimately see God? At least in my case, I look around at the world and see all this great evidence of God's creativity, imagination and humor. Like finger prints. He is evident.  it takes my breath away sometimes.  Sunsets, a new born baby, the ocean, clown fish, platypus, earth worms (you get the general idea)...all the great wonders. yada-yada-yada. . . that's all wonderful. . .

but. . .what if one day, I were to actually SEE God? Not just the evidence of Him but really see Him? in the flesh so to speak. . . If all this world, even in all its' imperfection can be so incredibly beautiful at times and change my mood, what would it do to my life if I got even just a glance at the face of the Creator of it all? 

I don't really know the answer. . . It is a thought I can't quite wrap my mind around.  There are a lot of questions I have about my whole life that I can't quite figure out but this thought, about the reality of who God is in person, has been especially on my mind.

Maybe the answer will just have to wait until my race has been run through, whenever that may be. But, I have decided the best way to get an answer is to go straight to the source. My prayer goes something like this: "God, show me how to live the fearful and transformed life of someone who has seen You face to face.  Let the world and all its' imperfect glory be enough to cause everything in my life to change as if I got a glance of You." 

Isaiah 6 

In the year of King Uzziah’s death I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, lofty and exalted, with the train of His robe filling the temple. ² Seraphim stood above Him, each having six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. ³ And one called out to another and said,

“Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord of hosts,
The ^[a]whole earth is full of His glory.”

⁴ And the ^[b]foundations of the thresholds trembled at the voice of him who called out, while the ^[c]temple was filling with smoke. ⁵ Then I said,

“Woe is me, for I am ruined!
Because I am a man of unclean lips,
And I live among a people of unclean lips;
For my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts.”

⁶ Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a burning coal in his hand, which he had taken from the altar with tongs. ⁷ He touched my mouth with it and said, “Behold, this has touched your lips; and your iniquity is taken away and your sin is ^[d]forgiven.”

"The God Who is, is WILD and BIG." 

It's the Multi-Tasking Illustration

It's like killing two birds with one stone. . .except it's two life lessons from one illustration. 

multi-tasking illustration! Maybe that sounds a little confusing but it will make sense in a moment. . . bear with me. 

I will return to this incredible Siamese illustration after I digress over life's happenings.


I made a slight dent in one of my goals this past weekend by pricing ukuleles online. . . needless to say I will have to get a cheap-y version or seriously budget myself if this is ever going to happen. 

Also, I have begun to face my fears and have a good attitude about Statistics of the Social Science. . . it's been 4 years since my last math course and this is a Junior level class.  My only issue at the moment is trying to complete this first assignment with an awful head cold.

This pounding, aching, pressurized plague has become the thorn in my side in the last twenty-four hours. This should be a fun 5 hour drive home and a wedding to be somewhat conscious for on Saturday morning. God forgive the evil germs. . . at least my post-wedding blog about the positives about singleness should be interesting.  

I suppose I should explain my proverbial "stone" 

Put your hands out in front of you. (trust me, it makes it more real) Make one into a tight fist and leave the other completely open. 

It's called the closed fist\open fist issue. 

Life lesson #1 
This first life lesson was shared with me over a hurried cup of coffee with a scattered brained and extremely wise young mother from my church.  She began to talk to me about the things we dream of in someone verses the things are really important.  She held her hands out and said that there are things like faith and character we should hold tightly to as standards that we don't sway on but there are other things that don't really matter.  We should leave those things for God to decide for us. . .sometimes there are things we receive in someone that we don't even know we need. 

This what I learned from her that day: Hold onto my dreams loosely but hang to hang onto my standards for dear life.  Often people do the very opposite and end up with less than what they excepted or worse. 

Life Lesson #2 
It was just last night that I heard this same illustration presented in a different light than this past summer. And, for the purposes of this "life experiment"  I am doing, it hit me a little deeper and made me think of every situation in a different way.  It was during a service when the speaker, Dr. Joann Lyon shared the illustration of the closed\open fists.  She shared the following: we can either go through life with a "closed fist" mentality, thinking that we can just tough it out and just "get through it" with situations that challenge us. This may protect us but it closes us off to the movement of God and growth.  Or, we can go through life with an "open fist" and tell our God that we look forward to what He is going to do with any situation.  If we look at things this way, we will have hope. . . we will have joy knowing that God will have freedom to create something beautiful with anything we go through. 

This is what I learned from lesson #2: I can look at this experiment and anything else for that matter and just try to solider on through it, living under the illusion that I can tough it out. On the other hand, I can live my whole life with an "open fist" . No matter what happens I can look forward to what God is going to do. Essentially, living a life of faith. Trusting with God and living with hope no matter how  discouraging, frustrating, negative, pointless, confusing an moment of my life may seem.

Living with an open fist to me, means living free. It means living in hope. . . 

Whether it's statistics class or indefinite singleness I want to live that way. . . with an open fist. . . 


Ta-da! you have now witness the great miracle of the multitasking illustration. . . applause? anyone? 

Clear Window

I accomplished a fairly adventurous task for myself in the last 24 hours.  Lodgeball. Basically the college tournament version of dorm vs. dorm dodgeball.

Now, I am not the most willing participant in any kind of overly active athletic sport so this was a stretch but surprisingly enough I enjoyed it, A LOT.  

I may even go so far as to say that I am considering joining some type of intramural sport. it was a rather empowering experience even though we lost. . . I honestly had no idea how competitive I can be. It was something for me to be proud of.  :) 

Enough about me and on to more important topics. . . 

It's only been 48 hours since I started this and there are moments that I have already felt defeated. There have been unexpected feelings that I have experiencing that make me angry at myself. . . I have realized how weak I am.  All I want it to jump onto the next thing that God has for me and see the end result of all of this.  

 someone told me that maybe instead of asking God to change the situations around me, that I should consider asking God to change my heart. 

Psalm 51:10 "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me!"

So I guess that is my prayer tonight.  For anyone out there reading this. I need God to create in me a pure clean heart that can see things the way He sees them. Kind of like how cleaning a glass window changes the view and shows the viewer a bigger picture. 

Then, I need steadfastness. If I am going to truly be 100% devoted to this cause I have committed myself too this year (and beyond), I am going to need the strength of an unwavering, firm foundation to stand on.

The circumstances of my life are always going to ebb and flow.  I can't even trust myself to stay in the same singleness of mind that I need to be confident and feel peace.  But, when I ask God to give me a clean heart through which to see and a new spirit on which to keep myself stayed, there is nothing that will be able to defeat God's work in me. 

So bring it on day three. 

Psalm 121

¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. 

In the words of the great Kelly Clarkson, "it doesn't mean I am lonely when I'm alone."

What part of being alone means we have to be lonely?

Especially when it comes to being single. . . 

In the past 3 years I have spent a total of 12 months in three very different relationships.  And often times I felt more lonely in the relationship than I did before it started. . .  

What is so bad about being single? Maybe, the better question should be, what is so great about being single? 

That's what I am here to find out. 

I am ready to commit myself to singleness. To make a mission out of NOT being in a relationship. Living "without hypocrisy" as one definition of singleness. Having one motive. . .to be single. 

So, I have portioned out the next 365 days of my life to be dedicated to being single. . . not just single according to my social networking relationship status or "unofficial" flirtatious relationships.  I mean cold turkey, unattached, no scheming, no dreaming, completely committed singleness. 

The great thing about this is that I know I am not going to do this without purpose. . . 

No, I am not some chaste, charismatic, "I am dating Jesus", relationship hater. 

I just want to follow through with something for once in my life. . . I want to know what I means to not just be good at having a relationship, but I want to know how to be good at NOT having a relationship. 

Even when these 365 day are over it's not like I am going to be hoping on ChristianMingle.com and messaging the first available preacher boy. When these 365 day are over, I want to look back and see how I intentionally practiced singleness (without hypocrisy) and be proud of whatever it is I have learned. 

It's not about trying my best not to be in a relationship. . . it's about trying my best at being single.

So, within the next year I have decided to set some goals:

1. Get into my Psychology program 
2. Finish getting completely healthy 
3. produce a covered song
4. learn (try to anyway) the ukulele 
5. have an epic Valentines Day 
6. go to a country music concert 
7. Have a meaningful summer 
8. Learn psalms 139
9. learn how to play my very own video game 
10. Road trip 
11. create something 
12. discover heavenly passion for everything

I am tired of feeling like being single means I am lacking something; For the next year, I am going to find out exactly how much I have to gain. . .