soli deo gloria

Today is the day.  Big day.  Normal day but still big for me.

The year long journey has come to it's end. . . if I had words for it I would use up every one of them twice over.   This is just a chapter but it's one part of the book of my life that I will turn back to countless times until the day I die. 

Today, I get to meet with another young woman who wants to know my thoughts about taking her own journey into a year of singleness. Passing on the torch so to speak.  Our meeting just happened to land on this date and I don't think that is any coincidence.  I feel like I am going to be sitting down to a mocha and conversation with myself this time last year.  There won't even be a moment of hesitation if she asks me if it was worth it, if I would do it all over again because the answer is Yes. 100% Yes 


I will be forever convinced that Jesus Christ is my Savior not just because He saved me once 2,000 years ago, but because He is continually saving me everyday of my life.  This year I realized I am incapable of rescuing myself or any other person.  No one else can save me either. No man, woman or child.  More than ever I know Who I will reach for when my heart needs saving. Saving from myself, saving from the world. 

You, Oh God are the hero of this story. <3

Gift-Giver

Alright, this is the kind of morning that calls for some hot coffee and some fluffy slippers.  You know the kind of morning where you can feel that autumn is right around the corner? You can almost taste the pumpkin and apple soaked everything. I can hear my mom's voice over the rumble of the shopping cart waltzing past the displays as she discusses the evils of the Halloween season. Which I happen to appreciate her comments and find them slightly humorous. (love you momma hehe). And, as Tom Hanks observed in "You've Got Mail", it makes me want to buy school supplies. . . 

 Yeah, this is one of those mornings and I don't really mind it. I woke up right out of my sleep knowing that I really should be getting into a more responsible college friendly sleep routine. . . whatever that means.  At least, I would like to think that I am doing something productive at this time in the morning.

It's starting to get to that point where it is really coming down to the wire. Two weeks from today my one year of self-discovery will be officially over.  Other than a few friends who have faithfully kept me accountable, I often wonder if anyone even remembers what I am trying to do. . . Sometimes, admittedly, I have to remind myself what I am trying to do here. 

Time to get real. This year hasn't been easy. Especially in the midst of the what I am forthwith dubbing the "Year of the Alter Stampede".  No offense to the married, engaged, or dating people out there but please, turn your attention to social media and your mailbox or walk around a mall for that matter; finding proof of romance this summer is like trying to find sand on the sea shore. Honestly, as much sarcasm as it sounds like I am spewing at the moment, the truth is, as a natural born hopeless romantic I am loving every minute of it.

This should come as no surprise as I already forewarned you all at the beginning that I am no relationship hater.  In fact, quite the contrary.  The desire for that kind of love is natural.  It didn't go away this year either.  Yeah, there were moments went it was less intense than others but it's a desire that God put in all of our hearts. .  "It's NOT good for man to be alone.", is pretty clear proof of that.  I almost felt guilty for those feelings until I realized, as with any other human emotion, it's not about what I feel, it's about what I DO with those feelings.  And even then I didn't DO perfectly. . .

Thankfully, God gives a greater grace. . .

In all of it, I still think singleness is an incredible gift of God.  It shook me how wonderful it can be because before this I had lived, to a certain degree like it was somewhere between a chore and a flat out disease for a very long time. I talked about it like it was the annoying reality of life instead of a joy. Occasionally, I still notice my words about singleness being less than flattering out of habit and even out of truthfully not enjoying it. But the more I have learned what I can do within a period of singleness, the more grateful I am I am for it.  It is a gift that I can say thank you for and really mean it.

On the other hand, a relationship between a man and woman when done in the context of God's will is an equally valuable gift.  It is truly glorious. Sadly, when I started, I unconsciously thought that to understand the value of singleness, I would have to dwell within a narrow, negative, almost demeaning view of man\woman relationship.  But that is so far from the truth. There is something that happens to your appreciation of singleness when you love it's opposite.  Truthfully, I believe it is because God started and will end this world with a love story. 

The overarching purpose for me saying all of this is not to make excuses for my failures, not to lift myself up or tear others down who are in a different place than me or should I say been blessed with a different gift than me. . . It is all to say that one, if not perhaps the absolute, greatest lesson I have learned in all of this year, that will forever change my life, is that it is not about the blessings\gifts (singleness or relationship).

It is about loving the Gift-Giver. . . 


"...it is Thee and not Thy gifts I crave..." George Matheson

poached eggs and pain

The little sister is married off and now a Mrs.  I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful wedding for my sweet girl.  It was a day I'll never forget.  Just perfect.  Now everything is returning to normal and I am trying to figure out ways to employ the rest of my summer outside of babysitting. . . 

Ugh. . . alright. . . 

As hard as I try to focus on my computer screen, I still feel like everything is spinning and twirling. Back and forth and up and down. . . but it was so worth it.  My thirst for adrenaline has been quenched. Yesterday was Cedar Point Amusement Park day. Gotta love it. Luckily, my motivation to write down some thoughts is greater than the effects of my disrupted equilibrium.  

 My original plan was to write yesterday but somehow standing in lines, in the hot sun, with about 10 bazillion chattering people sporting an array of interesting outerwear choices, didn't seem like the kind of place for any profound thinking to occur.  People watching is half the fun of amusement parks anyway. . . okay. . .maybe not half but at least one-third. 

I am really drawing a blank here. . .Fairly certain I left my brain in Sandusky, on a roller-coaster because I really haven't seen it all day. But, I guess since my head isn't in this, it will give my heart a more room to express itself. 

I must confess that I have discovered a recent love for poached eggs that I have never known before.  Yeah, I am being extremely shallow right now but I thought it was defiantly worth mentioning. . .  

In fact, poached eggs have become a silly and yet meaningful visual reminder of my heart.  People have a tendency to desensitize the older they get kind of like how an egg gets harder the longer it sit in the poacher. Unfortunately, after 326 days of working to critically examine myself, I have begun to see the "poaching" of life hardening my own heart. Keeping a soft heart through life is not easy.  Circumstances heat up and it feels almost impossible to remain sensitive and optimistic.  But, one of the best pieces of advice that I have heard recently was instead of just experiencing the challenges of life, be thankful for them.  Really.  Take a second and thank God for pain.  It really does work.  I tried it.  Thankfulness has the power to soften the heart.  I don't want to get to the end of my life and have an over poached, hard heart.  Trust me, it's not good for an egg and it's not good for your heart.  

That was a completely ridiculous soap box session.  I get that and I am okay with it.  I needed to write so I did and now that I have added to my "Amusement park hangover" I am very close to completely passing out.  Tonight, I am thankful for poached eggs and pain. 



I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need you to open my eyes
To see that You're shaping my life
All I am,
I surrender
 
~ Elevation Worship "Give Me Faith" 

#2

There is some manner of silence in the house.  Mother and sister are out doing last minute wedding duties so I have the house to my lonesome. This is not a problem for me to tell you the truth. I crave the peace.  It will not last long though, mark my words.  Dad is on his way home and the moment he hits the door step my now silent, sleeping mutt dog will be howling and generally causing a whole house upset. It's no matter though.  There are not many things that can get me off my good mood at the moment. You see I have completed the 9 week Insanity challenge.  I am so excited because that means that I am fairly close to completing my number 2 goal for this year. Finish getting healthy.

I have started to realize, that it is more of a process than an end goal. It's not necessarily about getting healthy, it's about being healthy.  Getting verses being. To quote a friend of mine: when you are getting something it is something you are receiving [outside yourself]. When you are being something, that is what you are. I would not only like to get my health but I would like to continue being healthy.

Like everything else that I write about, I think that this can apply to my relationship with God.  The way that I think about it, getting close to God is much less challenging than being close to God.  Once I get there, it is hard to remain there.

At this point in my life-long journey with God, there have been many moments when I have gotten close to God. I can feel His presence, His love, and His glory all around me.  I can know without a doubt what He wants from me. But, time goes by and like a hyper preschooler in a doctor's waiting room, my heart has a hard time sitting still.  Continuing to be in the center of His will takes much discipline.  "Being" is more of a choice.  It is who you are.  It is who I want to be.  A woman constantly "being" in the presence of God instead of a young woman constantly try to get back into the presence\will of God.  It makes sense to me. 

As an example of this, I recently read a book entitled "Get Lost"by Dannah Gresh. I was totally enthralled by the time I was done.  I was able to spend time "getting lost" in the presence of God.  My biggest problem since reading this awesome devotional has been staying lost.  With life's demands, it wasn't too long until I felt like I wasn't quite as lost as I wanted to be anymore. 

I don't want to do that anymore. . .

So, I think the greatest lesson I can learn from Insanity and in applying it to my life as a woman of God, is practicing the discipline of being. Whether we are talking physical or spiritual health, it doesn't really matter. I am doing this one year thing and I have gotten close to God and experienced His incredible presence countless times but constantly living in such a way that I am always aware of His presence, now, that is something I don't quite have down yet.

I have 64 days left. I am going to be in this, not just get through this. Once it is over, I want to continue to be this woman after God's own heart. What I want is to BE healthy, inside out.

For any of you reading, remember it is a struggle.  It's not easy to get somewhere and then stay somewhere in your spiritual life. I have just admitted to the same problem. Every single person struggles with this on some level or another. We can neither get perfect or be perfect. So, don't hear what I am not saying. It's just not possible.  We often get mountaintop experiences but don't often continue to be changed by those lessons.  But God remains faithful and gives us a greater grace.  He commands us to remain [continue being] inside that love.  When we get the love of God and remain in the love of God, we become the love of God to this world. 


John 15:9-11
 ⁹ “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. ¹⁰ If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. ¹¹ I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.
¹² My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³ Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. ¹⁴ You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵ I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. ¹⁶ You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. ¹⁷ This is my command: Love each other.

Love The Moment

Sometimes I wonder how different babysitting is from actually having my own children.  I definitely understand that the two are pretty much on opposite ends of the universe as far as how closely they are related... And as I sit here trying to figure out what everyone can agree one for dinner, it scares me sometimes.

You see, this summer I am a nanny. Pretty Mary Poppins, Nanny McFee, awesome right? (I even have the miniature carpet bag) and it is currently time for dinner. 

Don't get me wrong, I love love love kiddos of any age. They make me laugh and remind me of simpler days.  As I am growing up, more and more of my friends are becoming parents. Luckily, I am under the impression that my soon to be married little sister will be waiting a LONG time to enter into motherhood. 

I am happy for each and every one of these people in my life that are taking this step to be parents.  Maybe God will give me the gift of my own little one (or two or three) in the future. But right now, in my life I think I am content... 

Contentment. 

 It is really easy to get caught up into wanting to "upgrade" our lives. I personally, have spent a lot time living for the future. Which is funny considering I have a sign hanging in my room that says "Love the moment". That is not something I practice often, loving the moment and all.  Come on now, I mean, it's pretty much the culture we live in. Better, bigger, faster, what's on next, iPhone 5,000,000s society.

Truthfully, I have been really realizing the value in right now. 

So, maybe it would be nice to be 5 years from now with a career, apartment, and possibly a car big enough for me to fit more than me and my purse comfortably. But you know what's nice? No huge bills, dorm life, late nights and access to so much learning. Maybe it would be nice to not have to move back and forth to school but at least I still am coming back home for more than a visit... 

I don't even think that mentality is just concerning our "stuff" either... What about our relationships? 

being content with others of the opposite sex (Yeah, I went there.) It's easy to want to "take that next step". Waiting is tough not just for physical stuff but seeing if things are gonna work out. Trust me, I have been watching my little sister as her desire for "the Big Day" to be here daily goes head to head with not wanting it too go by too fast... 

Learning to love people right here and now is tough no matter what the relationship. Family... friends...It is really easy to look at the ones we are close too and think of ways they could " upgrade". In the midst of adversity with others, we can be content in the growing and the waiting for what God is doing. Nothing is harder to be content with than pain.  

 Could you be content with your life from this point on if nothing exciting ever happens? Cause wherever you are, in this exact moment, if you are pursuing Christ, is exactly where He wants you. 

And I am pretty okay with that. 

So, I am gonna take a deep breath, boil some spaghetti, then take the kids for ice cream in my dinky little Honda and... Love the moment. 

Phil. 4:11-13

 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

I got 99. . . days left. . .

99 days.  I can't believe it.  I put a count down app. on my phone just to keep track mostly for the purpose of motivating myself to complete my goals and so that I can take a moment every once and a while to check myself.  I hadn't looked at it in a really long time. 

At the moment, I have the overwhelming urge to be alone.  I am not really sure where this mood comes from every great once and a while (cause remember, this girl is a pretty extreme extrovert) but I know that sometimes I just need to step away from it all. 

Every time I get into my introverted mood, I think that it somehow disrupts some cosmic social balance. . . many times this restless, quiet, contemplative attitude occurs right at the same time that someone needs to talk or hang out or be hyper.  What makes it worse is that I often feel responsible for proverbially sucking the life out of another persons good vibes because, well, I just want to think. Right now, I would be absolutely content sitting on a beach, on a cloudy day by myself  staring out across the ocean. Alas, my view extends to the wall at the other end of my bed. . .

In this moment, I honestly feel less than exceptional.  Almost below average. . .

It's like I feel my heart missing God even though I know He is right here.  I could cry.  Because I know that my Jesus doesn't leave me.  He doesn't change.  So what is it in me that feels so far away? It's humbling to feel this weak. And to write about it. It is the only thing that feels right though.

2 Cor. 12: 9-10
^"9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

Can I exchange this?

Two days until my sister's bridal shower.  I can feel the growing excitement and tension in the house as my mom is cleaning everything in sight and stressing about the number of chocolate covered strawberries that she has to store. . .I feel like I probably should push my chair away from the kitchen table and contribute something to the cause but at this point I am taking this beautiful, sunshiny morning to relax as it will probably be my last opportunity to do so until the weekend is over. 

I really am genuinely planning on helping, don't worry.  It's not like I am completely useless.  But if you could see how golden yellow the Iris flowers are outside the window next to me as I sit here and if you could hear the sound of the birds talking back and forth, you would probably hesitate to move quickly too.  Plus, morning is my favorite time of day by far and it never seems to last long enough. 

I think the greatest thing about the morning is that normally, I wake up feeling a lot lighter than I do at the end of my day.  Some times, the weight of the day can get so heavy, that by the time it is dark outside, it feels hard to breathe.  What I wonder though, is how much of that exhaustion is me carrying the cross of Christ throughout my day because the world makes it hard? OR is that exhaustion from dragging around my own burdens?  

You see, I don't think that we were meant to carry both. . . 

I am not sure if this is making sense at this point, but hear me out.  Jesus talks about us laying our burdens down at His feet and finding rest.  He also talks about taking up our cross and following Him. I think that when we are consumed with our own burdens, even when they are legitimate, it makes it very difficult, if not impossible for us to carry the cross of Christ and be able to wholly deny ourselves.  

 

Luke 9:23

New International Version (NIV)

²³ Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.

  

Apart of denying ourselves is letting things go. . . letting things rest. 

Matthew 11:28-30

New International Version (NIV)

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

It is an exchange of sorts.  When I go about my day picking up little burdens, it makes it harder and harder to carry my cross and deny myself.  It just gets too heavy.  The cross starts to drag and some times I drop it completely.  On the other hand, when I realize that I can't carry both my burdens and my cross and I leave the burdens behind, I get a lot further ahead and accomplish much more for the kingdom.  I am not overwhelmed and weighed down. 

Maybe none of what I just said made sense. But for me, I really do think that if I did more denying of myself and carrying my cross and less gathering of little burdens, that I may find the end of the day to be less wearisome. 


Jesus,
 this morning (or what is left of it), I am going to take up my cross and follow You. Choosing self-denial over self-fulfillment.  As I go through my day, help me to choose to keep moving instead of stopping to pick up every little worry.